when things are always the same we complain that things are boring but when things start to change we complain about how things are changing too fast to want what we cant have and to care less about what we do have its human nature its selfish its stupid but its just how we are we are constantly comparing "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"
things were the same constant fighting bickering retarded shit that i shouldnt have to deal with because it shouldnt be this hard i stopped i nipped the bud a bud which had been growing for so long that i could almost not remember a time without it when i think about that summer and how i came to that conclusion the strength i held and the weakness i showed i thought i knew what i wanted things seemed so clear "you dont know what you got til you lose what you got" i was lost and i was found i hated that it took the nip for the realization of all this shit to surface i hated that i couldnt do it myself i wasnt strong enough to do it myself that it had to be this way in order for growth its okay though everyone turned out okay i suppose
determined more than most to be myself again but who was that the old me the new me or someone else my last year and then college soon who would i remake myself to be the me i was disgusted me but the old me didnt seem right either so i put on different shoes but kept my mask the mask in which i'd been bearing the mask in which started to wear-off i was out there again but that also meant i was hurting again too but i kept myself abay close enough to enjoy life but far enough to not be fazed by it
then along came me or you so to speak the black and white in my life it seems as if there are no grey areas the answer was either yes or no not 5 or 6 but 4 and only 4 clarity something ive longed for clarity and/in communication something different like instead of hate straight from the start there was no such thing as normal things progress so fast habits, daily routines everything molded to fit with each other but now as the flight is about to take off each wing feels as if it needs to constantly check and double check for safety as if its only stalling to take off as if its just waiting for a mistake an error something but what is it BeBe i understand safely is key but trust is as well trust that it will be a safe flight and even if it gets rocky we'll work together to make ensure a safe landing i remember when we were booking this flight i fought so hard but now it seems as if im the pushing you discouraging is it not? i dont know whether this flight is going to take off or whether we'll just linger but either way its still two wings to one plane we'll either fly together or sink together either way were together in some way or another
so put on a lifejacket and get some courage cause this flight is going to take off soon whether both wings are or working or not
its like 9 in the morning during break i woke up around 730 why? i have no idea why i cant sleep i guess maybe its caz i fell asleep webcamming or caz idkay i seem to fall asleep quite easily these days and i dont even do that much so how does that make sense?
well anyways even though finals are over theres still so much to worry about grades, housing apps, etcetc kazoo is somewhat taking over my life even though im still trying to stay attached to other things as well i just feel like im drifting all the time in and out of kazooing i thought i was just in a funk but other people noticed too sad they called it. i dont know, i might have been before but id like to think im in a happier place now thanksgiving and break everything seemed so uncertain and coming back life just seemed like a blur and i was wondering what i was doing with it being MIA and spending my time staying up and doing what? what is exactly what others may not have progressed to wonder about and if i dont tell id like that im not asked but i do wonder if wonder is upon are minds starting to wander and question yet? not that it hasnt already been questioned but will it feel as if i lied caz in all honesty i did but i cant help it if thats just how things are there are some things things that arent spoken of but that are just there thats what we were unspoken and although now we are still unspoken at least were on the same terms on the same page and that makes me happy as long as it took me to admit it and to stop fighting it i am happy and grateful for this and everything this year this year that started off so neatly planned is unfolding quite messily but i dont care because i am for the most part happy
its been a long time but i just had to make a mini emotional vent ayshhh here goes
today there was a presentation it made me think of you its been so long since weve thought of each other in this way so long yet not so long ago i kept wondering whether it was really that bad things werent bad they werent bad at all only sometimes there'd be moments but then she talked about these cycles and these cycles i knew very much about
but thats all in the past ive moved on and ive learned but now this new one one who doesnt have a name yet he worries me so vulnerable so new so precious and so fragile a big man with a big heart who falls too fast and falls too hard so much to worry about because although i dont know you as well as i could i know me and i know that i am not safe for anyone i am hazardous end of story
after spop i felt like moving in and school was so far away and now im so close that its bittersweet [of course] these past couple of weeks ive been living like theyre my last and im not going to lie ive had my fair share of fun and recklessness but now its time to reel that in [a bit x] and get ready for school but before that comes i hope that i can spend time and see all my loved ones in the bay and ones a bit farther away as well before i begin my college life its not like im going to be gone forever theres oovoo, skype and tokbox but its obviously not going to be the same but im excited so its okay right?
ive met soo many nice people lately had soo many great experiences i hope they hold even when im gone and i think thats what im scared of most being forgotten xp try not to forget me? xD
i hope berkeley hasnt spoiled irvine for me i hope life continues to give me natural highs i hope i dont become a bad person i hope i dont scare people and i hope i dont get distracted too much
all my beloved friends LETS HANG OUT and go all out before i leave i officially leave in the early hours of Sept 19 COME SEE ME!!!
wow i really havent been here in a while i always keep saying that theres something wrong with me a curse or just bad luck but people tell me its just life and i guess it is what then can i really believe what people say these days they tell me it doesnt matter what others say that i should care that it doesnt matter cause im going away just cause im going away it doesnt make what theyre saying go away it doesnt make things any better running away doesnt just make things go away im tired of running i wanna slow down but not settle down yet im doing these things that make it seem like im going towards that direction
gahh seriously i think my problem is that i get butthurt over shit and then i overreact and then when i calm down im like what a dumbass sighhh lets try not to be sad about things that dont matter cause seriously theres so much to look forward to okay Daphne you're going to be freaking okay
it doesnt matter even if you cant say you dont care
